- Always tell your partner(s) about herpes BEFORE you have
sexual contact with them, and give them enough time to read up on it and become
better informed before deciding whether or not to have intimate contact with
you. Do NOT wait until you are about to jump on each other and throw
caution to the wind. And do not wait until AFTER you sleep with them!
Honesty is always the best policy. Even if you are only interested in a casual
relationship, your partner deserves to know the facts before making the decision
to become intimate with you. If you do not feel comfortable enough to talk
to a potential partner about herpes and other STDs, then you are NOT ready to
have sexual contact with them. Wait until you feel ready to have "the
talk."
- Stay calm when discussing "H." Remember, it's a very common virus
that about 25% of US adults already have. For most
people who have it, symptoms are infrequent or mild or mistaken for
something else - so much so that up to 90% of the people who
have it, don't even know it. You're a normal person who just happens
to have "H". Your friend will take their cues from you. If you make "H"
sound like a bigger deal than it is, they'll be more concerned.
- Explain to him/her that there are many types of herpes, and
that one of the most common is HSV1 - which is usually the cause
of "cold sores" around the mouth. Up to 80% of the US population already has HSV1 and got it sometime during their
childhood from kissing, etc. HSV1 can also be spread to the
genitals during oral sex. "Shingles" are caused by yet another
strain of herpes - herpes zoster - same virus that causes
Chicken Pox. Epstein-Barr and Mononucleosis are also different strains of
the herpes virus. HSV2 is just a different strain of this same
common virus.
- Because HSV2 is so common - yet so few people who have it have been properly
diagnosed - it is possible that your friend might already have the virus and not
know it. And even if he/she doesn't have it, odds are that 1 in every 4 of
his/her previous sexual partners had herpes, even if they didn't know it and
were not showing any symptoms. You might recommend that he/she get one of the
new, very reliable type-specific blood tests for HSV2 (and/or HSV1).
Click here for information on herpes blood
tests.
- Sleeping with someone who has HSV2 does NOT mean that you are automatically
going to get it, too. There are many couples in which one partner has HSV2 and
the other partner does not. Although there are no absolute guarantees, there are
many things you can do to greatly reduce the risk of transmission.
Click here to learn how to reduce the risk of
transmission.
Also, since you already know that you have herpes and are taking
precautions to reduce the risk of spreading it, he/she has a bigger
risk of getting herpes from any of the other 1 in 4 people with herpes
who don't KNOW that they have it and are taking NO precautions.
- "H" is just a virus. It does not define who you are. Everyone
has "stuff" to deal with in their lives, and this is just one of the
cards that you were dealt. In the scheme of things, there are so
many worse problems to have in a relationship - lying, cheating,
poor communication, values differences, anger management problems,
drug or alcohol abuse, lack of time, low self-esteem, or more
serious health problems. If "H" is your biggest issue, you're a
true catch!
- Give your friend time to do some research on herpes - but also tell him/her
where to find that info. For instance, there are some links to great herpes info
on this website at
http://www.datingwithherpes.org/herpes_links.htm.
You might want to print out this list for him/her as a starting
point. Ask him/her to take whatever time they need to go over the
information and to feel free ask you any questions if they want.
- Remember, you are doing your friend a favor by educating him/her
about herpes. And even if he/she decides not to move forward in the
relationship, he/she is only deciding to reject the herpes - not you
personally. But you also might be pleasantly surprised at his/her reaction.
- No matter what happens, your friend will think more highly of you
for being so honest with him/her and showing that you care about
his/her health. It will also show that you are a responsible, ethical person who is willing and able to discuss "difficult" issues. These
qualities will set you apart from the many people out there who might
not disclose such things - just so that they can sleep with someone.
You're not like those people. So unless he or she is only looking for casual
sex, they will recognize that you're someone they should not discard simply
because of a silly virus.
Good luck!
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